February 01, 2002 - 12:27 pm

i dunno what the hell to do right now....... i don't know what is up and what is down.... i'm sick of getting dicked around and fucked over everytime i open myself up and let people in. a person can only handle so much.... i'm tired of every time i get my hopes up, my dreams get smashed into a million and ten pieces.. i know this sounds very childish, but it's almost to the point where if i don't get what i want, i get extremely upset and shit like that.... yea, it's acting like a baby, but i've had all my hopes obliterated so many times i can't handle it anymore it seems. it just aint fucking working anymore!! this is why i can be pessimistic about things in my life, mostly about my social life. i have suck low self esteem that any slightly negative remark to me can sometimes be a destructive blow to me. i got contacts, to get rid of this whole innocent school girl bullshit appearance i have and make myself look a little older, people saying i look like i'm 16 doesn't make me feel to good. somebody says mu hair is a mess, i fix it and it looks fine again, but i keep thinking about it for hours. etc, etc... stupid shit bothers me to no end, i can't take anything negative it seems like somtimes. the only time i can bust balls like the best of them is when i have been drinking. only when i'm drinking is when i can relax and enjoy myself. the rest of the time i'm so high strung and nervous and stressed i can't relax and have a very good time. yea, i have a ball, but not the entire time. i have too many things on my mind to enjoy myself the entire time. if i've been drinking a little, i have a best time of my life the entire time.

i don't know what the fuck to do.....

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