January 30, 2002 - 9:41 am

stupid ass diaryland...won't let me write an entry.... oh fucking well....i'm going to do it anyway!

i got a call yesterday from the person who my last entry waaas about. i still am notsure what possesed her to call really, she hasn't called me in about a month and a half. oh well, if she wants to call then she can call.....it's been a while since she has anyway.

but it also seems she read my last entry and wrote about it in my guest book....oh well. how does she expect me to feel? i just had my heart ripped out and torn into a million pieces..... i'm still trying to heal and it's very very slowly coming along. everytime i hear gone, you remind me or you got it bad, i can't even force myself to turn the station to something else. i have to sit there and listento the song and think about everything that transpired between us, the good and the bad but mroe the bad than the good.

i was so happy with her....as much as it hurt to be far away and all, i was so happy when we were together and when i talked to her on the phone. she made my life make sense....and now my life makes little if no sense... i work constantly, yea about a 55 hour work is constantly, i don't go out very much since all my friends went back to school and they all have homework and junk, i tried to have a relationship with somebody here and thankfully we bothu realized it just wasn't working for us in time for us to remain friends.... i finally have a direction in life that seems attainable for me though, but what are the rewards i'm going to reap once i'm done computer school huh? before i was going to move and be with my fiancee and start a life together with her..... now my goal is the hefty paycheks i'll be getting each week...i know i'm a greedy son-of-a-bitch. that's it, that's my goal in life. to make money so i can get a car, move out, get my eyes fixed so i don't need glasses and to get anything else done to me that i want done to make my appearance better. i guess i just want to seem desirable to somebody again.....

god it can be so lonely sometimes.... all my friends my own age are back at school, and i'm here.... sometimes i wish i hadn't fucked up and gotten so depressed and shit when i was in school.... but then again, there isn't really anything i could have done to prevent it. it happpened....and this is the end result of it.... oh well, i know some of the rewards i'll reap within the next few months. bartending, hostessing and working for caterers 6 days a week has some benefits. if i'm careful and save right i'll have my 2002 mitsubishi lancer by the summer, have it all pimped out with the tints and lights and chrome by fall, move out and into my own house with some of my friends by next spring..... these are things i have to look forward to, the only things i have tolook forward to.... i'm greedy, and right now i don't give a fuck. if i want to be bitter and justwork and save like crazy then i fucking will. i will and i'll buy things just for me, things that will make me happy for a change....

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