January 25, 2002 - 12:29 pm

sure is a huge ass gap in between my entries huh? lot goin on in my life.... Jim and I broke up, I'm alright. We both realized it just wasn't working out right between us. oh well..... now is my time to fucking "fly solo" isn't it? now is my time to be alone and enjoy myself and date around and not have to worry about a commitment right? get the fuck out..... have any of you ever realized that i hate being single? i hate being alone? i hate not having somebody to depend on? and the fact that usher and n'sync are constantly playing on the radio don't help me out a bit. i seem to want to torture myself and force myself tp listen to their songs and remember her.... everything reminds me of her and i don't know why i'm letting it happen. i don't want this, i never asked for this.

when you promise somebody forever, it's supposed to mean something.... well, fuck you then! you promised me forever, you promised us together and that nothing would break us apart. you fucking promised me..... similar to that line in vanilla sky, "when you sleep with some one, your body makes a promise to them whether you want it to or not" you made that promise to me with yor words and your body.....then to tell me after the month long breakup that i'm still trying to cope with that you did a lot of thihngs you shoudn't have that i don't know about??? yea, i know i did things i shouldn't have, but i told you of every blessed one...every one....and you lied to me.... YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME!!!

why am i still hurting.....it's almost feb., and we broke up completely in like november.... it's been almost 3 months since the break up started, took a month to completely do it, but still. why am i still hurting....what did i ever do to deserve this? all i did was try to do right be her and be the best i could. i only stayed here longer than i originaly planned so i could work and save and go there and offer her something. not have to depend on her, but let her be able to depend some on me. all i wanted was to make things good for her and do right by her and give her anything i could. i gave her everything, my heart, my mind and my body.... i gave her the last of my innocence.....the one piece of me that i held out of everybody's reach for my entire life. i let her in me, i let her see the real me deep down inside. i cried to her and let her see past the walls i've had up inside of me. i let her break down my walls so i could open up and be honest about what i felt and thought. we made love in ways i've never done before..... whatever innocence i had left in me she took. i gave her whatever i had willingly thinking that this was it, this was the one, this is my soul mate....and i was wrong.... i was so very wrong.... and now, i have to pay for my mistakes..... i have to build my walls back up and not let anybody back in for a while. my inside is a mush and i have to take the time to force is solid again. i have to learn how to think with my head again and not my heart. my heart has to mend itself back together.... everytime it starts and is almost done, somebody comes along and makes me feel good again, then tears my almost completel mended heart into millions of pieces..... why do i feel like suck a slut now? a fucking dumb-smacked-ass-slut who only got to see her partner whenever they wanted a piece?

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