October 31, 2001 - 10:51 pm

god, i don't know what to do right now..... i have so much on my mind....i don't know how to make it go away...how to make it stop.... i don't remember the last time i was in class...i can't even think about going right now. i know i'm sinking back into the depression i worked hard to get out of 2 years ago....i can feel it coming back. sometimes it's like it never really left me completely. denese and i are having some problems and i think she's starting to drift away. and i think it;s because of me...i fucked up and now i don't know what to do. school is driving me up a wall, i gotta get out of here before i do something. i got nobody here, nobody..... the one person i always went to seems to be drifting away and i am starting to think maybe i'm not good enough for them and i don't really deserve her..... i'm losing my mind..... i'm scared that i'm sick....and if i am then tehre's nothing i can do about it.... god, i don't know what to do about anything.... i can't do anything right anymore..... the one person who i love more than anything wants to be with me but needs space now to sort her life in order because of me.....but before she had soo much but wanted me to stay exactly the way i was and now needs space and time from me..... i don't know what to do now..... i'm slowly starting to do what her ex did and that was one of the biggest reasons she couldn't and still can't be with her..... why am i doing these things? why am i not good enough anymore? what the hell is going on in my head? i don't know what to do.... i must really be fucking up.... when i hung up with her a lil bit ago, she asked if i was ok and i said i'd be alright...every single time i ever say that she talks to me til i'm ok. everytime she tells me to smile, she knows that i'm not even if i say i am...when i say i am she makes sure i give her a bigger one..... didn't happen tonight....i really needed her to tell me it was ok and everything would be alright and to make me smile like she always does.... i got neither... i can understand that she was going out and needed to find out what was going on, but nothin ever stopped her before..... i don't know anything anymore.....

*as i continue to bawl like i have since before i started this entry*

what am i doing wrong? i don't know my up from my down and my right from my wrong....i don't know anything right now...... i just need some help.... if anybody out there even reads this....just please help me.... i don't know what to do anymore.....

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