September 29, 2001d - 10:04 p.m.

damn it. don't you hate when you go through old stuff, and get all depressed? i was going through my drawer @ home just a few minutes ago, and i found a lot of stuff i hadn't seen in years. what really got to me were the cards i got from my best friends back in sophomore year for my sweet 16 and for christmas. what gets me about that is that out of all of them, the ones who i thought would be my best friends for life, aren't around anymore. i never thought that would happen to us. we were so close and nothing couold ever have torn us apart. but....then i fucked things up royally for us. i know that it isn't my fault completely, but it is enough. i messed up so bad and fucked up the things that were the only things to keep me sane in life. i messed up, and boy did i pay. i barely talk to a few of the girls, and the others i talk to rarely. some of them i still keep in good contact with, but it's not the same. up untilb graduation, i still had 3 friendships out of the like 6 or 7. now, i only have 1 the way it was before. going away to college changed so much of what i had with those 3. in ways, we are closer, but in others we're further apart than ever before. i miss the way things were before.

am i the only one who wishes that they could go back, fix up the fucked up stuff and have a better life because of it? not have made all the mistakes that they've made, but still beable to walk away with the knowledge without going through the pain? my life right now is good, don't get me wrong. i have someone i'm crazy in love with, still have some friends in my life and am pretty good for the most part. but i also am where i didn't want to be, hate where i'm at actually, and lost many good friends in life.

i just wish i could have acted differently and made better choices for myself with friendships and where i'm at. i dunno, just wish life was fair sometimes.

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