May 22, 2001 - 8:16 p.m.

wellll, i decided to unlock my dairy. it's buggin me that it's locked, i want other people to be able to read this, and i don't care anymore what people say about what they read in here.

mood- kinda sad, tired, bored

wearing- school shirt, orange boxers, socks and other essentials

doing- listening to a cool whip commercial since Delilah is on commercial break

god, i hate life sometimes. i want to be graduated and far far away from here already. i want out, have always wanted out. i think i just am always bitching and moaning to somebody about something, i think i should shut my fuck face for a while before i actually get told to. i dunno if i'm actually bugging people, but i think i am. erin is gonna go quiet about her personal life unless she's asked about it.

maybe i'm just overreacting..... got drunk (well, not really, but enough for a nice buzz) this weekend. besides the fact i fell asleep at 4 in the morning, i woke up craving. i hate that part. every single time i drink, i know i'm going to crave the next morning, bad. and this time was no different. i dunno......it scares the shit out of me. i mean, i drank a lot before, not like every weekend, but like definitly once a month, and if i could have, i would have every weekend and sometimes during the week. actually, i did do it during the week, a couple times. once, so much i puked and stayed in bed the next day instead of going to school, this was only about 4 or 5 months ago. stupid shit i do like that scares me.

then there was the whole coriciden thing. the last time i did that was when i was talking to denese that night and i got in trouble for it. she was right, it was fucking stupid of me and so fucking dangerous and i don't know why i did it. it was just there, and i remembered how good it felt last summer when i did it.

god, last summer was a trip. i musta did that like 7 or 8 times in like less than 2 months, maybe 2 1/2 months. i'm such a fucking idiot. god knows how many braincells i've killed. i mean, i knwo i'm n owhere as bad as girls i know, but this is stupid. i know better than this. i know how addictive coriciden is, i was starting to get addicted to it. why i stopped over the summer. i started craving it all the time, and i got scared so i stopped taking it. and now it's happening with the alcohol when i drink. i've been making sure i drink less than i could, so i won't crave it the next day, but i still do. soooo, i don't drink as often as i could. fuck, i could drink every night and get shitfaced each time if i wanted to. it's that easy for me, and i know i can't because i know what it can do to me. both my grandfathers were alcholics, and i knwo it could happen to me soo easily.

i get scared about that the morning after when i wake up. i'm shaking, sometimes in a cold sweat and i can't concentrate even if my life depended on it. and if i let myself go, i would drink something to relax so i could think. but i don't stop when i do, i keep going sometimes. it's been to the point where, once, i drank, not too much, and threw up. then, i went back and drank again, and shit loads more than the first time. then, being completly and totally shitfaced beyond anything, i threw up again, and even more. the next morning, with a hangover that only consisted of a upset stomach and the shakes really bad, i wanted to drink more to stop what i was feeling. but, i didn't. but, 2 or 3 weekends later, i did the same thing. only, after i threw up the first time, i drank less after that and didn't throw up a second time.

god, i dunno if this is just me being normal and not realizing it or what. i dunno, i don't care. i just need to stay away from everything for a while. i dunno....... i haven't writen in here like this in a while, and it's probably about time i started to write in here like this again. it's one thign to talk about it, which is very very very very good for me, but i think i should write it too. get out here what i don't there, and get out there what i don't get here. i dunno...... i just need a hug soo bad right now i could probably cry. hell, if i let myself, i would right now. i think i'm going crazy......or maybe it's just me being a teenager growing up.

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