2001-03-05 - 9:17 pm

i'm bored. i'm tired. but all in all i think life is good. i have my baby, my bestest friends, and some incoming money. but, all in all, i wish life were a lot different than now. i wish things could go the way i wanted them to go for once, instead of making me wait then life making me change my mind. what the hell am i talking about? i don't even know.....

i said something tonight and it made me think, yes, i actually think sometimes. i was talking to somebody, and we were talking of my past relationships. i was told that if not for strong will power, they would have interfered and tried to end things. a little dumbfounded, i pondered why and then asked why. what i was to learn made me look at myself completely different. they said they would have interfered and tried to end thigs because they feared i would continue, make a wrong turn and end up hurt. looking back now, i can see their reasoning. but, as i thought, i realized it would have been to no avail.

somebody trying to interfere in my life is usually pointless. even if it ends in heartbreak, i want to experience it. weirdly, i want the heartache if it comes from an ended relationship. my response to their possible intervening for avoidence of heartache? i said just that. i want to experience life. i want to see how things turn out. and if they end in misery, i want that pain. i don't want the pain at all, but the strength that comes from it. i want to be stronger inside, so when i get hurt, i ache, but heal. and the healing comes faster. not because i lied about feelings, but because i've forced myself to not ache. yea, shit i ache, like hell i ache. but, i've made myself try to shorten the hurting period so i can move on and live life.

i don't like hurting, and i don't like people to know i'm hurting. probly why i've distanced myself to so many people in last few years. i don't want to seem weak i guess, and therefore, distance myself and my emotions. this is making no sense, but it helps me out. when i'm hurting, i pretend like i'm fine. i've gotten so godo at it, that people get mad at me cuz it seems like i don't care. but, i actually do. i care so much, i don't let it show i care. i act all big an bad an tough and shit, when inside i'm dying. this can't be healthy........

when tears are crawling down my face, i act like they're not. i don't let that quiver in my voice show, or if it does, make somethin up and say it's something else. i don't want to seem weak. god, that is such a bad thing. i don't want to seem weak and hurt, and in the process, seem like i could care less. i've almost lost what is undoubtedly the most important thing in my life becaue of this. i've also almost lose every other thing in my life that is important to me. i cry, a lot, but i don't let people know. and because i don't let it show, i gradually get better at it. and as i get better, i get stronger inside. as i get stronger, i don't hurt as much, because i've made myself not hurt when i lose the most important thing in my life. but, if i lose that thing in my life, i die a little more inside. and as i die, i don't let be known and refuse comfort........and so i die more.

i don't want to hurt. i was watching "Now and Then: in school, and a line really got to me. i think this is what i seem to be starting to do in my life.

"Crazy Pete: Things will happen in your life that you can't stop. But that's no reason to shut out the world."

then there is this that i sure don't want to happen. i'm in love and i don't want it to end, but i'm scared shitless that this would one day happen.

"Samantha: If you don't fall in love, you can't get hurt.

Roberta: But it sure is lonely all by yourself."

i'm in love, but i don't want to end up lonely...... i would do anything and everything to keep what i have.......

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