2001-02-24 - 05:47:56

God, I would have never thought I would have made one of these in my life. But, I guess I was wrong, and I'm glad was. My friend Lu has one, and another girl I'm friends with has one too on here. They look like fun, and god knows I need to get some shit off of my chest.

Wellllll, lets see. My love life is kinda messed up right now. I have this one girl, (yes, girl. I'm gay, which brings me to the rest of the points), whoI'm crazy about. But, we've known eachother for almost no time what-so-ever, and it's sooo weird. But at the same time, it's amazing. I mean, can you really fall head over heals crazy over somebody, in 3 days???!!!! I know it's weird, but it's also really cool at the same time. Trouble comes here, she gave me a pic, then said it wasn't her and gave me another pic. The first one was alright, she wasn't absolutly disgusting, and it was 3 years old, but she wasn't absolutly beautiful either. Then I get the next one, and it's GORGEOUS !!!! Ever have a dream person in your head? And everytime you think of this picture, it makes you stop breathing and you get all depressed cause you know you'll never have it? Well, this was the person in my head!!! Not feature for feature, but you get the point. And before she was saying how I keep walls up and don't express my emotions, which I don't for fear of being hurt again. But when I saw this picture, sounds sooo sooo superficial, the waklls crumbled. I knew what that weird feeling in my stomach was, and that I really cared for her. Then tonight, I find out, the first pic was her. That was why she said it wouldn't be a good idea if I came to visit her, she's in Ohio by the way and I'm stuck in Philly. She said it would be alright if I just stopped speaking to her if I was mad or upset, and I said no. I said I still care about her the same way I did when I rushed back from teh movies as fast as possible when i got her missed call. She was going out, I went to the movies, and said for her to call me when she got home from work. I got the voicemail, and went home so fast, it was scaring my friends in the car with me. And from the second I hung up with my voicemail, I dialed her number over and over, trying to not get the busy signal meaning she was online, waiting for me to get home and talk to her before she went out. This is getting a lil offtrack, but it's all important. OH YEA!!! SHE HAS A GIRLFRIEND THERE!!!! Something else I didn't know about, they been together for a year and 8 months!!!!! Now, this is all bad for me, but then she also said all this good stuff to me, after I told her I was calling and wanted to tell her what I was feeling in my voice not my words. She was telling me that she cares about me soo much, and that is why she was telling me the truth now because she cared that much. And that (don't repeat this, i shouldn't even know...) when her and her girlfriend are together every night and do the things you do, she's been thinking about me, and it being me and not her girlfriend. And, if i heard her right, she would leaver her girlfriend for me if I wanted her to. Now, I'm am just sooo soo soo soo damn confused right now. This was why I didn't want to do the online relationship thing again. Always ends in troubles, which leads to issue number 2.

Ok, just about a year ago I "broke up" with "Rain", her screen name in PlanetOut Chat. She lives in Washington state, and I was absolutly in love with her. We were together for like 4 months i think, and I was soo sooo happy. And then one day, completely out of nowhere, we were talking normal mushy stuff, and she said she had to go. I'm thinking, ok, but here's the clincher.....I never heard from her again, literally..... I wrote her a couple times with the next 2 months, but that was it. I "got over it" and moved on with my life. But then, about a week, maybe 2 weeks, ago i got an e-mail from her:

"i don't know if you still even have this email...but if you do ...i guess i just wanted to say hey......sorry for just up and leaving like that...but some things happened..and i had to..

i guess if you get this it will be a miracle..and if you actually write me back it will be even bigger of a miracle..

rain"

So I write back, sayin I wasn't mad or anything. Then after i sign off and get ready to go to bed, I start thinking about her again. I was in love with this girl, who I never met, heard her voice, or even saw a picture of. But I was still in love. And i've realized, that I don't think I have quite moved on completely. I've gotten 2 other e-mails from her, and I've written her back. She has yet to tell me why she just stopped talking to me, and didn't write me back, but I'm still not mad at her. I really miss her, i think. And she also told me she couldn't e-mail me from her e-mail address, for some odd reason or some stupid shit she said/made up. But yet, she had a YEAR, A WHOLE YEAR, to fix it and waited til now. But she also said some stuff came up and she HAD to stop, but has yet to tell me what those reasons were. God I'm sooo confused.

God, I have so much more to say, and yet so little. I have so many issues with my love life, and I don't know what to do.

Now we come to girl #3 in my life. We're friends, been talkin g online for a maybe 2 months. Talked to her one the phone a couple times, god what a voice. Saw her picture on her website for her schools' swim team, DAMN! Personality is great. When we get started talking, it can go for hours without a real dull moment. I do all the cute things I can think of, just so she'll say she smiled or laughed. I really like this girl, i really want to meet her and see what could possible come of it. God, i'm digressing and just talking about ALL my problems and you proably don't want to hear about them at all, do you? Oh well, this is my first one, and it needs to be said. Anyway, back to her. She confuses me, which everyone else does too. She's all flirtin and making me think I stand a chance, then sometimes out of nowhere, she'll make a comment about a hot guy or how she has sooo many people in her school who want her. This makes me do a 180 and rethink about this all. Is she just making conversation? Is she trying to make me jealous? Or do I just not stand a chance in hell with her and I've been imagining it all?

Now the last part of the saga, I swear!! I want arelationship. I want one here. I have one girl I'm crazy about, but i don't know how she feels. Then the next who is in Ohio and i'm just a lil confused now. Then there's the one who i think i'm still in love with, but lives like 3,000 miles away and i still don't know why we broke up. Jesus,I'm just so confused, and I shouldn't have to deal with all of this. I'm only 17. I'm a senior in high school, starting my first choice college in august (GO ST. JOE'S!!! GO HAWKS!!!!). Any advice, sympathy from anybody out there in cyberland? I think i really over did it for my first time, and I have so many more things to write about. But, I'm out of here.

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